so this is what happened:

i tried to transfer to my dream university, and i got rejected. wasn’t an easy feat. i had to talk to people i’ve never met or talked to before, had to go to places i’ve never been to before by myself; as a teenager with really bad anxiety and strong introversion, it felt like i was pushing myself into a humongous container of cold water.

i didn’t let that stop me, though. i trudged and trudged and trudged. i allowed myself to cry so many times in public [when i felt hopeless, and tired, and alone, and clueless] (even if i looked so embarrassing) if that means i get to be one step closer to my dream. i told myself countless of motivations [that ultimately didn’t work because anxiety and panic is really not a good combination]; that “i can do it because i can”, “i wouldn’t work hard for this average i received if i wasn’t headed towards my goal”, “i wouldn’t make it here if i didn’t deserve it”. i told myself so many things i lose track of most of them.

it didn’t work out, though. and that’s fine, i guess. i tell myself, “it’s fine. it happens to everyone. i mean it happened to you, which is unfortunate, but you’ve gone through one rejection from them, you can survive this one too.”

and that’s fine, i guess. all of that is fine until i realize the reality that faces me. i have a lot in the line with this dream, and i’m not talking about things that regard only myself. getting into this university would mean so much to my family, and my friends, and my future. and i failed all that, i guess.

i’ll be honest: i probably threw my shot away. i didn’t get in there strongly enough. i didn’t get in there prepared enough. i didn’t get there in my best, and i didn’t do what i was asked with my very best.

i probably threw my shot away. even when i told myself i shouldn’t, even when i know very well within myself i shouldn’t. i shouldn’t, i couldn’t, i wouldn’t.

i shouldn’t, i couldn’t, i wouldn’t; i did, anyway. that’s the worst thing that could happen. that’s the worst thing i let happen. and now i can’t take it back. now i have to face the music that i tried so hard to run away from.

i’ll be honest: ever since this amazing news of a second rejection threw itself on my face, i feel like my world has been turned upside down. and i do not mean this only in the rejection sense. i mean this also as if i’m starting to lose bits and pieces of myself and who i thought and think i was and am. i suddenly feel like i don’t know exactly how to write anymore (although this proves to be ironic right now because what is this post but my own writing, isn’t it?). i suddenly feel like my dreams are starting to prove themselves to be dreams and nothing more. i suddenly cared so so so much about what people think of me now. i worked so hard and for so long to get over other people’s impression of myself.

i suddenly feel like i don’t have dreams anymore. and i hate loathe abhor not having dreams for myself because my dreams and my goals (no matter how impossible they may seem) are some of the very few things that keep me inspired and going.

hate going with the flow. i am introverted and uptight and anxious and [supposedly] organized in my thoughts. what am i if i don’t keep track of my deepest thoughts anymore?

loathe the saying, “whatever happens, happens” because out of everything, the things i firmly plant my feet in are what i have when i have nothing else. i am an aries and a fighter and a debater and i will not stop until i prove you wrong. but now how am i to even defend myself if i feel like every thought i have is scattered and replaced with a darkness and a hollowness i can’t seem to swim away from?

abhor not having dreams for myself because it makes me think, “what if it’s better if i just go with the flow?” “what if your life gets  so much easier if you had stopped chasing all those impossible things you seem to dream of?” “what if you’re not meant for these things you so want for yourself after all?” what do i do then?

i’ll be honest: i’ve never felt more lost. you know why? because i went the extra mile to try to get to what i want. because i let myself out of my comfort zone to provide myself with what i think is best for me. because i know within myself i’d shed sweat and blood to get to where i want, i’d hustle, i’d strain myself. i’d do whatever it takes to get there, but if i get let down every single time i chase something i want so bad, is it even worth the chase?

if i am stabbed in the back  every time i try so hard to belong and let myself loose, is it even worth trying for?

is it even worth going for if even when you do your best, it still feels like the world itself shoots you out and pushes you away?

is it?

i wrote this very long thing and i still KNOW for a fact i hadn’t gotten what i really want to say across. this is how bad i have whatever this is right now. fuck. fuck. fuck. this is the worst.


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