when i was fourteen, i had my whole life mapped out before me.
i had a solid plan for after high school, going into college, and finishing college.
i had a pretty solid outline of things i wish to accomplish after i graduate.
i knew what i was gonna do for a living, i knew where i was gonna work for a living.
i knew how i was going to spend the rest of my life.

that was when i was fourteen.
i am eighteen now.

now that i’m eighteen, i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with myself and my life.
i don’t know where i’m going to finish college.
i don’t know whether i’m gonna carry on with my degree or chase after the one i’ve wanted when i was fourteen.
i don’t know if i care enough to actually want to seek after my dreams.
heck, i don’t even know if i still have dreams.
i don’t even know if i’m on the right track.
i don’t even know if there still is a right track.
i don’t even know if i’m still living.
maybe i’m now just trying to carry on.

funny how much a few years can change you into a completely different person. sure, i know people change, but it’s been so drastic. i hate not knowing. i hate feeling helpless. i hate feeling like i’m moutain climbing and there are absolutely no rough rocks to catapult myself with. i hate feeling like i have absolutely no direction in life.

i happened to stumble upon a video earlier where kids are interviewed and asked what they want to be when theh grow up and what they think about adults.

the last part of the video says, “Plan for the future, think about the NOW.” and it got me thinking, did a child make this video? i honestly do not want to ruin its vibe– it delivered a pretty decent message, but honestly? i thought it was bullshit.

life is cruel. it twists you into this person you never thought you could be. it rips your brain and heart out and tramples on them before returning them back to you. it’s pretty reckless. (pun not intented)

i grew up believing a was an optimist. and maybe i was in that time being, but i probably am not that anymore.


 

this post was written a few months back, and quite frankly, i’m not sure if this is all of what i had to say when i first wrote it. one thing i know for sure, though, is that i still mean it, and the idea sticks.

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