i have a confession to make: (but first, let me provide context)
a couple of friends and i were hanging out in a fast food yesterday afternoon, talking about the future and whatnot when i blurted it out: i can’t imagine or see myself in the future. and i mean it.
i tried and i’m trying to and i’m still gonna try, but for the past and the present, i just can’t see myself going anywhere. i even told my friends i was probably gonna die early (which caused a shit ton of wood-knocking, much to my amusement), and fuck if i don’t believe that.
i don’t know. i commute on my way home and go to church, and i encounter a lot of people. sometimes i’d just unconsciously observe people that are obviously older than i am and think, “i don’t want to get that old. i don’t want to look like that. i don’t want to get much much older and walk funky, and get wrinkly, and feel ache everywhere all the time.” i just don’t want it. thinking of it makes me hate myself and i don’t want that and i hate it.
i’m pretty sure it’s normal and that i feel this way, and i’m sure i’ll get over it; for now, though, i’ll allow myself to wallow in this giant pit of existential crisis that i seem to be badly stuck in.
i don’t know how this dilemma is supposed to fix itself, but i hope it’s an appropriate and good answer.