i’ll tell you how my day went.
i started the day early afternoon. i don’t have school today which is amazing for we have a shit ton of things to accomplish before the next week crashes down on us. it was a slow start (considering i woke up late), but no matter, i told myself. i was going to make the most out of it, and i was to make it as productive as i can.
and i did. that’s what i did. i scouted the internet for a tv show i can watch for my analysis paper for scriptwriting. (i settled for marvel’s jessica jones. i’ve been watching it for the past weeks, but never got around to finishing it because i thought i was too busy to do so.) i memorized the last stanza of the poem we’re to recite for history, and am on my way to fully immense myself in reciting it without forgetting it or stumbling on my words. i finished jessica jones, and started on my paper. i felt pumped and motivated to make reviewers for the exams that are to come during the next days. i was so ready to not sleep tonight to work on school stuff until my brain tires and midnight strikes.
that’s all that is until i decided to ruin my own day by caring about our term paper. i’m not gonna delve into the details because they’re not of importance, but here’s what it boils down to: i open the document to read the contents; only to find out that they had not included my name in the list of members. 🙂 thoughtful, right?
on a normal day, i would’ve felt nonchalant about it. i would’ve just updated the document and added my name on the list, but this is not a normal day. it’s not a normal day because it always happens. and it fucking sucks. it’s like the world’s telling me, “you feel nonexistent and invisible? here’s one more day for you to feel and think just that! good night!”
one time, our block leader was stood in front of us taking attendance. she was counting on the people on her list and was whining about how she was missing someone. guess what? it was me who she was missing; this is fucked up because the whole time she was doing the chore, i was stood right across her. ugh.
i hate to be complaining about this because it only makes me seem like a grownass, immature, whiny bitch, but i’m just so tired of it. i’m so tired of always having to try to be noticed by people for grades and acceptance and just recognition. i know people see me as nonchalant and take-no-shit, but fuck me if i think i don’t know better than that.
because now i don’t feel productive anymore. now, i just want to close all the windows, and ignore my studying for a night, and curl up in bed and go to sleep. now i just want to wallow in my pit if emptiness and question my existence until i fade into nothingness. now i just want to leave everything behind me and only pick back up when it doesn’t feel like i’m banging my own head on a wall anymore.